The skeleton’s coming out party!

Ack! No one is more surprised than me! I told my parents yesterday the real reason why I gave up booze, what’s really gone on with my SIL…oh and by the way Mum and Dad, I’m also on anti-depressants! Surprise! 

And then, as if that wasn’t enough, I phoned my oldest brother and his wife and told them everything too. 

Reactions? All very positive, supportive and non-judgemental.

I feel nothing but relief and lightness. And most of all, gratitude. I feel so incredibly lucky to have these little gems in my life. My husband, my best (and only!) friend, (all other friends were drinking buddies in disguise), my family.

WG

  

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Dear Narcissist,

Holy moly. 

I finally did it. 

I told my toxic SIL how I feel.

This is the msg I sent: 

I wish I was strong enough to say this in person. I apologise it being said in a text. I can’t continue with this false relationship whereby at school in front of others you talk to me but there’s no contact outside that. I’m really hurt you think I threw you under the bus with Lynda. It makes me sick that my family is split. And it really hurt you shut me out, refusing playdates, refusing help from me, not asking after Ben before/during his op except only after nic had and once again it was only said in front of others. I don’t understand why you are asking if I’m ok. The way you have been since my dad’s birthday – so cold – has all but broken me. I can’t keep up the pretending. It’s clear through your actions we aren’t friends. This is how I feel. Devastated.

She replied saying that she had taken a step back because she was just upsetting me. Erm yeah, when you send photos of glasses of wine to someone in sobriety with the caption ‘Does this make you thirsty?‘ Yeah, that was upsetting! Telling me I need to apply fake tan because I am so pale? That I should wear this outfit and not that one? That I should wear my hair this way and not that way? 

She suggested we go for a walk to talk about everything, so she could explain. Erm no thanks. You’re a narcissistic bitch, rotten to the core, why the fuck would I want to give you a chance to explain? So you can tell me once again that I have a problem getting on with other women, that it’s because I haven’t had sisters? Tell me once again that I’m going through some sort of change, perhaps it’s my upcoming 40th? So that you can manipulate and twist everything, do a final mind-fuck on me so I walk away questioning everything? No thank you.

My parents were really supportive, no criticism, no judgement. The relief it’s all out in the open is huge. 

I sent a message back to her. ‘Maybe we should have a chat sometime but I’m not in the right frame of mind’. 

Like any ongoing relationship drama I’m sure this is To Be Continued…

100 Years Ago, We Will Remember

 Today, 25th of April, marks the 100th anniversary of New Zealand and Australian troops landing on the beaches of Gallipoli in WW1. 

My Great Grandfather (seated in the chair outside his home) fought at Gallipoli. He was actually shot in the head, but luckily somehow, managed to have his hand up so the bullet went through his hand first. That probably saved his life. Family members have eluded to him coming home a different man and older generations blamed it on being shot in the head. But I imagine there was incredibly traumatic psychological damage too. What did our surviving men see, day in, day out for months on end?
My Grandfather, pictured on his motorbike, was training to be a pilot but tragically died when out one day with his instructor, their plane never recovered from a spin. They crashed in to the ocean, off the coast of Brighton, Dunedin. Despite search efforts the plane and their bodies were never found. His wife was just 6 months pregnant with my Dad. 

We will always remember.



But the Clouds Are Black?!

Day 49. Seems incredibly unjust I’ve given up drink, am feeling the feelings and end up with depression. I went to the doc today. She was nothing short of amazing, as usual. I’ve got some tools to get me back. No pink cloud yet. Sigh.

Anyone else watch How to Get Away With Murder? This week Annaleise was in a hotel room for a few days, ordering room service, getting drunk, passing out/sleeping. It looked really tempting. That was a red flag. The second red flag was standing in the shower and crying. The third (and alarming) red flag was cutting up the veges for last night’s tea and wondering what it would be like to use the knife on myself.

I’m feeling very grateful for you readers and Living Sober for making it what it is. And once again, thanks to Lovely Lotta, @mrs-d for being the poster girl for sobriety.

  

Brain Hygiene

A friend on Living Sober posted this update and it resonated so deeply I just had to put it on my blog.

Lately I’ve been seriously working on some “brain hygiene” (to quote Dr. Dan Siegel). He reminds us that it’s not enough to simply brush our teeth daily. It’s equally important to cleanse our brain as well to get rid of brain plaque that we’ve allowed to build up (meditation/mindfulness). In that regard I’ve found that sometimes you have to let some people go from your life because they are toxic to you. You have to let them go because they take and take and take and leave you empty. You need to let them go because in the ocean of life when all you’re doing is trying your damnest to stay afloat, they are the anchor that’s drowning you. Some people are anchors and are determined to drown and despite your best efforts and love they want to pull you under with them. You need to find the strength to cut the cord holding you to that anchor and just Let It Go so you can finally breathe. ❤

Hello Darkness My Old Friend…

Recognise the song? It’s The sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel. Apparently it is about the lack of communication between people. Another Google answer said its about how people are oppressed and can’t speak freely. Same difference.

Kinda how I’ve been feeling. Unable to speak freely. I’ve got so many unsaid things to my SIL it’s been eating me up from the inside. And despite listening over and over and over to Tara Brach’s Forgiveness meditation, today, I broke. She is one of those people who are completely unfazed by conflict, always has a smart retort, and a quick defence for anything thrown her way. Me? I attempt to stand up for myself and got shut out of her (and my nephew’s) life. I end up in pieces.

In a nutshell, she called me a boring, anti social bitch when I don’t drink, (she had a couple of wines). I let it go at the time because we were in a social setting, celebrating a friend’s birthday. A few months pass, then at my Dad’s 70th birthday lunch she said again, how boring I am when I don’t drink. It ticked me off, but determined not to make a scene at my Dad’s birthday I bit my lip. 

As we were leaving she came up to the car and had a go at me, in front of my kids, for referring to her as ‘the other person’, when I was talking about her to my husband. I phrased it like that because my eldest was nearby and I didn’t want him knowing who I was talking about. I was furious. She ruined my Dad’s birthday for me. She couldn’t wait just one day? She had to bring it up there and then? Everyone (my family) went back to hers for coffee, except us. We went home.

When I brought up the fact I didn’t like these things she said to me (boring, anti social etc – there’s more but this will do for now), she said how upsetting it was, that I thought she would want to upset me. She said, maybe it’s because I don’t have sisters, so I don’t know how women talk to one another. She said how I was over sensitive and why have I been holding onto this stuff for so long..?

She twists everything and always comes away, smelling like roses. 

I’m annoyed I care that she has shut me out of her life. Today I saw her, laughing and joking with the other mums at school (she’s very popular). I don’t have the energy to pretend anymore (no one knows what’s happened between us, or at least I don’t think they do). 

Today is the day I broke.

First Alcohol Free Holiday

Hello again, dear blog, I missed you! I was in Te Anau, New Zealand for 3 nights having a wonderful soul food break. It was magical. I haven’t been there since I was a child with my parents, too young to remember it. As an adult with my children, it was as though I too, was seeing it for the first time.

After four and a bit hours driving, we arrived in Te Anau (a lakeside town). It was a beautiful sunny evening and once we found the house we were staying in, we went for a walk down to the lake. The sun was on its way down, casting the most magical light.

  

The next day we took a boat over to the other side of the lake and visited the Glow Worm Caves. By geological standards the caves are very young (12,000 years) and are still being carved out by the force of the river that flows through them. The result is a twisting network of limestone passages filled with sculpted rock, whirlpools and a roaring underground waterfall.

Deep inside the caves, in complete darkness, the glow worms produce a glittering display that is purely magical. Photography was not permitted so I nabbed this pic from Google images:

 

We went to a pub for dinner that night. As soon as I walked in I was assaulted by the stench of stale beer. It was obviously in the carpet. It was GROSS.  It had an area for diners so we sat there with the kids and I had a yummy warm chicken salad. Definitely not tempted to drink at all!

The next day was Saturday and we needed to be up and out by 9/9:30 to drive to Milford Sound where we were taking a boat. Here’s the driving route:

 

It was pure magic. I’m feeling so very grateful to live in such a special, unspoilt country. The rest of the pictures on this blog post are all mine from the camera on my phone. Imagine how amazing they would be with a real camera!

 

Eglinton Valley – where part of the Lord of the Rings movies were filmed. 

 

The iconic Mitre Peak in Milford Sound

 

 Stirling Falls in Milford Sound (photo taken from the Go Orange boat cruise)

 

 How close can we get??!! Beautiful but I got very wet (as did my phone)

 

It’s complete soul food. I could post another bunch of photos but really, Milford Sound is somewhere that needs to be experienced because photos don’t do it justice. 

After our long day trip we returned to Te Anau and found a lovely little pizzeria to eat. Excellent food! The only negative would be the drinks menu. It was 3 A4 pages of beer and wine and at the bottom of the beer page were 5 alcohol free options. All sugary, fizzy drinks, clearly for kids and not adults that don’t drink alcohol. I looked longingly at my friend’s glass of wine and once I realised I was doing so, gave myself a mental bitch slap and stuck to my water.

My first alcohol free holiday. It was WONDERFUL. I probably would have consumed 2-3 bottles of wine on that holiday in my past life as a drinker. What a waste of life. Being sober is truly living life to its fullest!

 

I’ve found the right path.

WG