Hello Darkness My Old Friend…

Recognise the song? It’s The sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel. Apparently it is about the lack of communication between people. Another Google answer said its about how people are oppressed and can’t speak freely. Same difference.

Kinda how I’ve been feeling. Unable to speak freely. I’ve got so many unsaid things to my SIL it’s been eating me up from the inside. And despite listening over and over and over to Tara Brach’s Forgiveness meditation, today, I broke. She is one of those people who are completely unfazed by conflict, always has a smart retort, and a quick defence for anything thrown her way. Me? I attempt to stand up for myself and got shut out of her (and my nephew’s) life. I end up in pieces.

In a nutshell, she called me a boring, anti social bitch when I don’t drink, (she had a couple of wines). I let it go at the time because we were in a social setting, celebrating a friend’s birthday. A few months pass, then at my Dad’s 70th birthday lunch she said again, how boring I am when I don’t drink. It ticked me off, but determined not to make a scene at my Dad’s birthday I bit my lip. 

As we were leaving she came up to the car and had a go at me, in front of my kids, for referring to her as ‘the other person’, when I was talking about her to my husband. I phrased it like that because my eldest was nearby and I didn’t want him knowing who I was talking about. I was furious. She ruined my Dad’s birthday for me. She couldn’t wait just one day? She had to bring it up there and then? Everyone (my family) went back to hers for coffee, except us. We went home.

When I brought up the fact I didn’t like these things she said to me (boring, anti social etc – there’s more but this will do for now), she said how upsetting it was, that I thought she would want to upset me. She said, maybe it’s because I don’t have sisters, so I don’t know how women talk to one another. She said how I was over sensitive and why have I been holding onto this stuff for so long..?

She twists everything and always comes away, smelling like roses. 

I’m annoyed I care that she has shut me out of her life. Today I saw her, laughing and joking with the other mums at school (she’s very popular). I don’t have the energy to pretend anymore (no one knows what’s happened between us, or at least I don’t think they do). 

Today is the day I broke.


2 thoughts on “Hello Darkness My Old Friend…

  1. kateh58 says:

    Nasty. Cruel. Narcissistic I think – egocentric, always someone else’s fault. While it is so hurtful now, I think one day quite soon, you will smile within, sadly, but knowing what drives her, no more able to be hurt. XX She is quite wrong generalising about sisters & other women. Obviously in her world, but not mine, not yours. (My father’s wife, my age, is the same type, but does secretive, destructive, lying things that no one can believe. I really know the territory & the pain. I had a SIL that did it too, tried to break up our relationship. Vicious, sad.)
    I wonder if you look at your beautiful photos, (marvels even on your phone) whether the pain & intensity might fade a little?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ainsobriety says:

    Big hug.
    Part of this journey of self awareness is recognizing when we give away our personal power to others and finding ways to stop doing that.
    It’s not easy, especially if you have spent your life ensuring others are happy at your own expense.
    But you are the most important person in your life. You.
    Take care of yourself. Remind yourself that you are a worthy, special, loved and vital part of the world.
    These are hard things. Be gentle with yourself as you change.

    Liked by 1 person

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