Day 103: Reflection

 I’m no longer looking at the closed door. Occasionally I might glance at it, but I’m certainly no longer staring at it.

Day 103 without booze in my life and I am feeling like I have finally turned the corner. The depression, the thick, heavy black cloud, has dispersed into a sheer light grey mist. It lingers, reminding me I’m not totally my usual sunny self, but I’m sure with time I will get me back fully.
Today I was reflecting upon my drinking habits and remembered a time I was sent home from work one day. It was a long time ago now (I was about 20 years old), so the details are hazy. I recall I had been on a bender the night before until the small hours of the morning – that was my 20’s in summary, party, party, party! I prided myself on not calling in sick just because of hangovers so managed a shower and coffee and turned up to work. I’m so ashamed to say I may have still been slightly drunk. Upon arrival my boss looked at me in disgust and simply said “Go home.”  While the details of this memory are hazy, the strong feelings of shame, humiliation, regret, embarrassment are all still with me today. I will never allow myself to forget or become complacent.

Because, while I’m not dwelling on memories like this (and I’m sure more will bubble to the surface), I reckon it’s important to my present sober self to remember and acknowledge them. I do not want to go back to that person ever again.



5 thoughts on “Day 103: Reflection

  1. Findingmyfreedom says:

    Those feelings of shame are hard ones to battle. I am finding that I now let them roll over me and take the knocks, then get back up knowing that it’s not going to happen again. I used to just use more booze to eradicate them from my mind. Crazy eh? Hope you’re warm and not snowed in 🙂


  2. Unconfirmed Bachelorette says:

    Congrats on 103 days! I’ve spent time now and then looking back and feiling shame. And then I remind myself looking backward only makes me carsick. I do agree that a certain amount of reflection is important. I don’t want to go back there!


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