an unwanted but perfected skill


Since I’ve knocked alcohol on the head, I’ve been reflecting on the reasons WHY I drank booze in the first place. I’ve learned a lot about myself and now know the core reason, underpinning everything, is that I was an emotional drinker. I’m beginning to turn my attention to the relationship I have with food because I’m getting frustrated over-eating. I’m experiencing the same negative side affects from binge-eating that I experienced after binge-drinking – the self loathing, regret, guilt etc. 

It always comes down to escape. I want to get away from reality for a while. I set myself up on the couch, in front of terrible telly, with either chocolate or cheese and crackers and ‘check out’ for a while. I don’t have any particular trauma to escape from. I’m a fairly normal person, a bit of a deep thinker, but I’ve never been physically or sexually abused or experienced something nasty enough to justify the need for escape.

I’m not sure what to write next, because I don’t have the answers. I know the why (I over-drank and over-eat) but what’s the why behind wanting to escape? Maybe it’s natural? Maybe everyone wants to check out of reality for a while? I feel like if I know the deeper why, then I can stop over-eating. But then I managed to stop drinking alcohol relatively easy, so why can’t I release my grip on food so easily? 

There is more work to be done here. Forever learning. πŸ˜€



10 thoughts on “an unwanted but perfected skill

  1. ainsobriety says:

    Food is hard. We have to eat.
    I think I will be in therapy regarding food for a long time.

    Have you tried replacing your snacks with a food that gives you less guilt?


  2. Millie says:

    It’s a tricky one the all or nothing personality and since quitting I have either been stuffing my face or existing on diet shakes, I now drink the same way I drank.. binge or nothing…sigh. Lots of re-learning needs to be done – moderation and I need to learn to be friends.
    There’s also a void with the whole hand to mouth thing that drinking and smoking filled. knitting an lolly pops anyone?


      • Millie says:

        I just ate chocolate and macadamia nuts. Fail. We are doing a really good thing with sobriety so we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves, easy does it, one thing at a time. Still……I’ll be wearing kaftans in summer at this rate πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜


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