I’m exhausted. Not the kind from over-doing life, or working too hard. No, I mean the emotional type of exhaustion. The crap with the family conflict just doesn’t end. Our lives were so tightly intertwined it’s bloody difficult and taking so bloody long unpicking it. And I’m fed up of thinking about it. Something happens nearly every day that will remind me about it and then my brain starts ticking over what’s happened and things I would love to say.
And my inner abuser will pipe up her wee voice and start judging me, criticising me, saying things to get me doubting myself. She’s relentless and I wish I could shut her up. But she’s always been there, as long as I can remember. And no amount of effort to change her way of thinking has worked. Sometimes I’m onto her really fast and shut her down before she really gets going. But 90% of my time I’m doing mundane tasks (housewife/mother/admin jobs) and that’s when she seems to thrive.
When I’m feeling this drained emotionally, it seeps like wispy black smoke into other areas of my life. Like making good, healthy food choices for energy. Like going to bed early and getting good, long sleep. Like keeping up with my yoga and running. I’m losing a grip on the focus and desire to take care of myself and that’s not good. Somehow I need to summon up the motivation to fight and get me back…