Anger is only one letter away from DANGER

Dammit! 

Dammit, dammit, dammit! 

All the feelings I’ve been “managing” through yoga and meditation, reared their ugly head and slapped me in the face tonight. Of course it was my husband’s fault. Knowing something was up and feeling low, I suggested he cook dinner to which he responded by pulling a face. Big mistake. Huge! 

I was in the middle of justifying how my role as a stay at home mum is just as hard, if not harder at times, than his desk job (I’m sure many of you know that argument?), when the tears spilled over and I ended up sobbing into his chest while he hugged his crazy wife. Poor guy.

It was during this moment of craziness I had clarity. I wanted a drink. I want several drinks actually dear blog,  because I’m sick of feeling the feelings! It’s all just become too much and I want to escape. ESCAPE!! I want to feel that warmth within, soothing my soul as the red wine reconnects with my bloodstream. I want to fast forward from there to the point of climbing into bed, a heavy lightness, every part of my body relaxed. I want to experience the kind of darkness that envelopes me like when you have an anaesthetic and you don’t have time to think before falling into a deep sleep.

Russell Brand said, “drugs and alcohol are not my problem, reality is my problem, drugs and alcohol are my solution.” Oh fuck yes. 

  

I’m pissed off. Totally frustrated. Not just ’cause I can’t (won’t) drink anymore. But because I have all this shitty reality crap to deal with on top of it. 

I know I appear to have a Pollyanna attitude one minute and not so much the next…my mood swings suck from the inside too. I promise you I’m working on it.

10 thoughts on “Anger is only one letter away from DANGER”

  1. somuchtogainfromthis says:
    Reply

    Keep going. You missed the bit out where you would wake up with a sick feeling in your stomach, dry mouth, wine stained lips (if red is your poison) less cash in your purse, AND still with your current problems to face. I know exactly how you feel. I was there two days ago and could almost taste that wine as I poured it but I’m so, so glad I didn’t and I know you will be too. Take care. Your husband sounds supportive, despite not feeling like cooking. Russell Brand is right. Life can be shitty and so , so hard. But he too knows, it will still be shitty and hard if we destroy our health in the process. Even shittier in fact. I’ll be thinking of you. Take care x

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  2. awomanwithoutwine says:
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    From someone who has had those feelings for months (hmmm years?) and drank each time I had them I can assure you it’s not the way to go. The end result is shit and pain and those feelings only come back in full force along with a heap of added extras. I don’t recall one single night after I went ‘fuck it’ and drank that I thought ‘my god that was so worth it, I feel so much better now!’. But you know all this already. I can really relate to how you are feeling, I read your post nodding and agreeing with 150% understanding. It’s so hard sometimes! And all the power to you for allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you’re going through and not picking up. I wasn’t quite as strong the last few months. But this time around I am, I’m not letting booze win.

    I wrote a post, or maybe a few posts about feeling those feelings and how mad I felt at times last year during my 7 months of sobriety. I hated it!! It could be so intense at times. But I am learning a few strategies on how to cope a bit better. Still working on how to not use food to feel better though, eek!

    I know you won’t drink and you’re just venting, I did that a lot. Do it as much as you need. Happy Easter, have a wonderful sober holiday x

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    • Water Girl NZ says:
      Reply

      Thank you 😊 I didn’t pick up. I did however stuff myself with one of my favourite snacks (cheese, crackers and baby gherkins). Off to bed now, grateful I have a blog I can emo-dump on and amazing, beautiful people reading it and connecting with me after. Happy Easter xoxo

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    • Water Girl NZ says:
      Reply

      My adult tantrum happened during witching hour and by the time I was through it, (both the tanty and feeding, bathing and bedding the kids) I was exhausted. I’ll definitely aim to get out today. But just a walk. After a bad night’s sleep, a run doesn’t appeal. Xo

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