Dammit, dammit, dammit!
All the feelings I’ve been “managing” through yoga and meditation, reared their ugly head and slapped me in the face tonight. Of course it was my husband’s fault. Knowing something was up and feeling low, I suggested he cook dinner to which he responded by pulling a face. Big mistake. Huge!
I was in the middle of justifying how my role as a stay at home mum is just as hard, if not harder at times, than his desk job (I’m sure many of you know that argument?), when the tears spilled over and I ended up sobbing into his chest while he hugged his crazy wife. Poor guy.
It was during this moment of craziness I had clarity. I wanted a drink. I want several drinks actually dear blog, because I’m sick of feeling the feelings! It’s all just become too much and I want to escape. ESCAPE!! I want to feel that warmth within, soothing my soul as the red wine reconnects with my bloodstream. I want to fast forward from there to the point of climbing into bed, a heavy lightness, every part of my body relaxed. I want to experience the kind of darkness that envelopes me like when you have an anaesthetic and you don’t have time to think before falling into a deep sleep.
Russell Brand said, “drugs and alcohol are not my problem, reality is my problem, drugs and alcohol are my solution.” Oh fuck yes.
I’m pissed off. Totally frustrated. Not just ’cause I can’t (won’t) drink anymore. But because I have all this shitty reality crap to deal with on top of it.
I know I appear to have a Pollyanna attitude one minute and not so much the next…my mood swings suck from the inside too. I promise you I’m working on it.